Reply from Jeffrey, Child's Age 13 and 15 - 2/1/02 - IP#: 131.96.240.39

Stan, The discussion has gotten sidetracked from your original question, and I'm partly to blame for that. I see that you were given several helpful suggestions in responses, and I hope you have been able to work out the situation with your son to everyone's satisfaction. As I'm sure you have noticed, there are some who believe strongly that a child should not be forced to wear diapers, and there are others who believe just as strongly that it should be the parents' decision. I happen to agree with both of these points of view, and I don't think they contradict each other. You have made the decision that it would be best for your son to wear diapers, and he needs to know that as his parents, this is your decision to make. But that doesn't mean that you would be accomplishing anything by trying to physically restrain your son while you force a diaper on him as he kicks and screams. Even if you succeeded in getting it on him, if he is that determined not to wear it, he'll take it off again as soon as you go to bed yourself. So, since you have already purchases his diapers and plastic pants and have made the decision that he is to wear them, your task is to establish an atmosphere in which your son is at least willing to try the diapers and will tolerate wearing even if he doesn't want them at first. Parents have often reported that after a few days, their children got used to the diapers, and learned to appreciate their value in helping them to be able to wake up in a dry bed. Several suggestions have been made for how you can accomplish that, and I think that once you get past the initial hurdle of getting him to try them, you'll be able to get to the point where he thinks of it as his decision too, not just something you are making him do. Now, to change the subject (I have found that paragraph breaks don't work on this message board), let me respond on the latest round in the debate about motivational techniques. Rog, were you a bedwetter past your pre-school years? If not, then I know it is hard for you to relate to the experiences of those of us who were (and for a few of us, still are). You mentioned that it is important for children to want very much to stop bedwetting, and that this is important in improving the chances of success. To me, there is something offensive about that, because it implies that if people are still wetting, they do so because they just aren't sufficiently motivated to want to stop. I still remember vividly the pain of not being able to spend the night at my best friends' houses, or being able to invite them to stay over at my house. I remember suffering through episodes when by younger brother would vent anger at me by announcing to other children that I was a bedwetter. I remember trying to kid myself into believing that other Scouts didn't notice my wet, odorous sleeping bag on camping trips, and even though I loved Scouts so much that I went on the trips anyway, I couldn't avoid the obvious signals that they all found out about me, and some made sure I knew it. Don't tell me I wasn't sufficiently motivated to want to stop wetting in my sleep. I wanted it more than anything else in the world, and I didn't need a star chart or some reward to make me want it even more. I had all the motivation I could stand, and then some. And it still didn't work. It didn't work because even if there had been a sign by my bed saying "my bed will stay dry tonight" to hype me up while I was awake, it wouldn't have done any good once I was asleep. While I was awake, I could think about how bad I wanted to stop wetting. While I was asleep, I couldn't. Is there a dichotomy there? Absolutely. And I think it is an insult to every bedwetter who has painful memories similar to mine to suggest that they won't succeed in overcoming their bedwetting until they really want to stop bad enough. They want it now, but wanting it isn't enough to make it happen all by itself, and neither are silly reward plans that only motivate a person while he is awake. In an earlier post, I believe I recall you stated that your 12-year-old son is a bedwetter. Do you think he is still wetting because he isn't adequately motivated to want to stop? If so, I would guess you're probably wrong. Without even knowing him, I would guess he wants to stop as much as I always did. I hope you do know that he already wants it as much as he possibly can, and maybe that is why you permit him to wear a diaper, to at least enable him to sleep in a dry bed until the time comes when he can do so without the need to wear protection. Try the alarm, possibly, and if it doesn't work, continue the diapers, but don't assume he needs gimmicks to provide additional motivation to stop wetting.